my mom pulled another one of her little stunts today.
i asked if i could go to amy's and she was like clean the kitchen and it just irritated me because i have watched the baby three days in a row all day and it makes me mad and then i asked her if she was ever gonna pay me like she promised for when i helped her clean and she said she bought me some lacrosse stuff and that was her paying me she always does that she tricks me she promises she'll pay me and promises she'll take me out and those are two separate things but she uses it and won't pay me and she pulls that old "i put a roof over your head"
she just flipped out and told me to leave and call social services and that aaron should go too and she isn't sorry at all.
i cried and heaved for a really long time rocking myself back and forth and saying sorry i am sorry i'm so sorry that she can't stand me i just don't understand what it is, may i'm just so
horrible and she just can't help it when she gets mad.
she yells at everyone but not like she yells at me. i just don't understand. why i make her so mad?
i don't understand what it is about me that she hates so much. my dad was home this time, he heard it all. he told her that she was being really mean, he told her she should say sorry and that i was crying. she said, "go to hell and take Lacey with you" why it's not fair, or is it, maybe i am that unbearable and i just don't see and it's perfectly fair for her to do this. i'm just so sorry, sorry for being here sorry for living sorry for taking up time and space that doesn't belong to me. maybe i don't deserve it. i'm not good enough.
my nightmares have started again. just like when i was younger. sleep can no longer bring the silent peace it used to. it is no longer a safe haven from everything that goes wrong in life. sleep no longer brings that farmiliar comfort.
i hate it, i hate that i can't get away, i hate that these thoughts endlessly run through my mind and just never end. i hate that i feel so hated. i hate the i can't help but feel everything and everyone i love is going to disappear any moment now. i hate that i don't feel that i deserve them in the first place. i hate that i never really belong. i hate being constantly judeged and criticized. i hate that i can't make those i love happy. all i want to do is make them happy. i should just leave them all forever they'd be better off.
9:50 p.m. - 2002-07-08
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