It�s so unfair! Life�s just not fair. Today I found out that someone I was really close to is dying and I just want to throw up. My favorite art teacher form middle school that I told everything is dying. She is such a wonderful person, and I already miss seeing her at school. Now I find out that she is dying. I really need to see her, it�s just so unfair that stuff like this happens to such good people when there are so many assholes in the world that do nothing but cause suffering to others. Why do the good people go out the hard way it�s so unfair, so very unfair. I came home and my mother called my old middle school for me to see about the teacher, and the suspect that she was severely ill became a reality. I just broke down and cried and cried and cried.
I walk upstairs and lay on my bed and once I got my uncontrollable sobs under some form of control I called my best friend and she cried with me. This is just so horribly unfair. My mother made me get off the phone, because she needed to use it, and by that time I was so upset I was having dry heaves repetitively. I am still in complete shock that I didn�t puke my guts out. Anyway, after my mother was done I called another close friend because I knew he might be better at cheering me up instead of just crying with me (he didn�t know the teacher). I called Graham, he is so great, I�m glad to have him as a part of my life he talked to me and made me feel so much better without even doing much of anything (how does he do that). I guess it�s the fact that I just know he�s there when I need him.
It�s good to have people like this in your life. I have my friend to call and let all the tears out along with me (Kelly), and then there�s Graham who is just there and gives good advice without really giving any advice at the same time. I love my friends so much thanks guys!!!!!
Don�t worry Cassie you are great too, but I knew if I called you I would only cry some more and I couldn�t take anymore of that, but just to let everyone know Cassie is also a wonderful friend and is genuinely the absolute nicest person I have the privilege of knowing.
To sum it all up life is a bitch and when you least expect it, just smacks you with reality, and sometimes it�s really hard. Mostly I just feel it is just oh so unfair though, and I wish I could make everything change everything go back to that time when I was young before I started to be hit with reality. I only wish I could go back to that time when I was completely carefree and my biggest worry was who I was going to get my next candy score from.
I hate this death is so surreal, it�s just wrong it shouldn�t happen shouldn�t occur, but yet it does. Why? Why does death almost seem to be more prevalent than life at this time? I often feel that I am in a dream state and none of what is going on is real. Eventually I will just wake up and finally begin to live. When can my life finally begin though?
OH and sorry evryone this should of been posted earlier today, by hte way it's monday, just to give you'll a time frame i guess. I sa ed this in word to opst it later because the phone was in use and then i went to sleep buti'm awake now. It's 11:00 tehy woke me up because i guess i am the only member this household expected to have a lighter adn they needed it. Twas a little comical on account of my lighter goes about 5 inches high, hey but htat's ok at least we had lotsa light!
11:12 p.m. - 2002-05-13
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